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A mind over matter

Posting for reference.

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I just wanna know...

Since when the fuck does "turn the other cheek" mean "you can't stand up for yourself"!?

Seriously. Because I've been in plenty of situations where I was able to calmly explain that I was upset and didn't appreciate the treatment I'd been receiving. And I'd still possess (and exercise!!!) the ability to simply not treat that person poorly or any way I wouldn't want to be treated OR DO THE SAME THING BACK TO THEM. This never makes ANYONE but SUPERVILLAINS happy with themselves or anything. Blowchunks.

Truth: I've been in plenty of situations where I forgot about that, I'm not even gonna lie. I'm impulsive. And sometimes my emotions get away from me.

But I always strive for that. Not to "be the better person." It's not about that. It's not about one-upping. It's about teaching. It's about being better. It's about evolving. And this is how we evolve. We move forward, not backward. And we certainly don't sit in place and fucking pout.

People have so much anger. And take such little responsibility for themselves and how they feel.

It's really fucking hard to be honest with other people (oh yes, more firsthand experience), but apparently for most ALL THE PEOPLE- it's even harder to be honest with them-fucking-selves.

:|

Murrrrr. -_-

There is good news: Portabello pizzas for dinner. Yummm.

Current Mood: frustrated frustrated

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Every day gets easier.
I grow older. I grow wiser.
I remember what's mine is mine and what's yours is yours.
I grow more secure in myself and where I'm going and what I'm doing.
I stay truer to who I want to be and who I am each day.
I let it roll off more easily as each second passes because... it's out of my hands.
I smile, I wave, I hold doors open, I ask how you're doing and mean it.
I have my friends' hearts in the palms of my hands because I must have done something right...
I'm doing my part.
And I feel good.

I don't have time for bullshit. I'm just going to nod and smile because I'm taken care of. :)

Loving life right now.

Love yours.

Current Mood: peaceful peaceful

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My RSVP comment to Lady Gaga coming back on March 26th event page on FB:

"I would love to get to the Monster Ball again and would cherish it once more. The first time changed my life. But last time I paid $200 for my GA tickets and risked getting it through Craigs List from someone in fucking El Paso, TX, camped out overnight on the ONLY FUCKING DAY IN MONSOON SEASON that it actually rained in Phoenix, didn't eat much, didn't drink enough water and sat in the sun for 5+ hours when it was OVERCAST with no sunscreen. I went home to take a shower while my husband held my spot in line and went at LEAST 15 miles over the speed limit going back the WHOLE way. I spent my only $40 on a Gaga shirt, got fucked over for my spot in line, was treated like shit by the US Airways Centre staff, was stuck behind two really tall girls, one of which kept farting almost the entire night, and was holding a 14 year old on my back for part of the show. And I still rocked the fuck out from the VERY beginning with Lady Starlight until the very fucking end. I met Semi Precious Weapons, Justin Tranter told me I was adorable, a cop had to buy me a water, and I puked about 150 feet away from the backstage entrance before my husband came and got me after it was over.

It was the most amazing fucking thing in life, but unless a ticket or backstage pass falls into my fucking lap so that I may weep and express my infinite gratitude at the feet of Lady Gaga, I think I'm going to let someone else have my spot at the Monster Ball.

But please, by all means, send me a free ticket and I will be there with bells on once more! Might take better care of myself the Second Time Around. ;)

I love you, baby! You're my hero!"


I imagine it was probably a lot like Burning Man, actually... Just in short form.

Current Mood: amused amused

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1. Reply to this post and I'll assign you a letter.
2. List 5 songs you love that begin with that letter.
3. Post them to your journal with these instructions.

chasethefeeling gave me the letter "R"!

In no particular order...

Rogues - Incubus

Running - No Doubt

Reloaded - Lady Gaga ft. Rodney Jerkins

Raspberry Beret - Prince

Rock N' Roll Never Looked So Beautiful - Semi Precious Weapons

Do it!
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The people I feel I need the most right now, who would be the right people to go to with my specifics... do not like me. And that sucks.


I need to talk about gender and sexuality. Badly.

I need to talk about relationships.

I need to talk about Big Responsibilities in life and in the world, etc...

I need to talk about my career, lest I give up on it. I am getting over and underwhelmed. Urgh.

I need to talk about my feelings on life and death.

I need to talk about my feelings on smoking.

I need to talk about what it's like in my head sometimes.

And I need to talk about the overall feeling of pressure. Now.

I need someone to listen. And I mean actually listen. I need someone to understand where I'm coming from. No fear. And won't twist me all around. And won't abuse my full trust.

I need someone to understand that paying someone to give me their "professional," collegiate opinion on my life and my views and my beliefs is out of the question. I don't have the time or the money to spend that it would take to tell a therapist everything I feel they need to know in order to make an accurate assessment of me and what I need. And I use the term "accurate" loosely since accuracy is still definitely a matter of opinion. For all we know, the people who SET the standards are the ones who are batshit nuts.
That is not what I need. I know this now. What I need is a friend. That I can be candid with at all times. That will speak to me from experience and what they know and what they feel personally. No injection of judgment. No fear that I will say something that will scare or otherwise turn them off.
I want the opinions of people who matter, not people who don't.

So I'm asking honestly... is that too much to ask? Is that more than I can expect from anyone or from even a group of people?

Am I on my own?
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Not that it makes much difference, but I'm going on LJ hiatus. BBL.
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If anyone ever tells you "you can't"...

Tell them not only CAN you do it, but they can too.


I feel like... I finally feel like I'm meant for more. For something big. And that I'm going to do it.

I finally believe in myself and that is so fucking fantastic.

I always felt pressure. Always felt pressure growing up. And it wasn't just from my family or teachers or any of that. It was internal pressure. I wasn't raised or equipped with motivation. And I was spoiled. Chores? Hah. I've only been a go-getter with shit that came easy to me. Every drop of responsibility I have, I have virtually had to learn on my very own and I still have a full circle to walk, in my opinion.

Now I feel like I know why. I feel like I know why that pressure was on me and why almost each day I can feel a bit of it lift off of me. I need a voice. And I want to be a voice. And I want to change this place. I want to join an army of people who rise up and will get their foot broken having it slammed in the door, but they will push through and they will hobble to the podium and they will speak for what is plain, just, and right.

And I get to be an artist all the way there. I want to start my journey. I cannot wait to start my journey!!!
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When I go out of my way to plead with you through two lj comments and one facebook message to keep in touch with me via email once a week and you flat out ignore every single one of those... it hurts my fucking feelings. I just wanted to connect with you like I never have before and like I know we can.

When you ask me to hang out or make plans on a certain day and we make those plans or even tentative plans and then I find out via FB or LJ that you've made other plans with other people that same day and time and I'm not even invited... that shit hurts my fucking feelings.

When all you can ever do is think and talk about yourself and never stop to check in... that hurts my fucking feelings. I thought this was a RELATIONship. Not a youship.

When you ask me if I can be one of the first human subjects of your art and then not only do you never draw or paint me, but instead draw and paint just about EVERYONE around me... that shit hurts my fucking feelings. Especially after the support I have given and offered you over the last few years. And a lot of that support came after your broken words.

When you only come around because I'm in a great mood and have nothing to bitch about, nothing is going wrong in my life and you just want it to be all sunshine and puppy dogs and straight up bail anytime things get tough... that hurts my fucking feelings. I don't do fair-weather friends unless they are just that fucking awesome.

When you video chat or gchat with me or read my journal or my facebook and then you use my information to go have a shit-talking party with people you know I am not friends with... hurts my fucking feelings. And is wrong in every way shape or form. That's dirtbag right there.

When you criticise my life choices and chosen paths because you are so grossly unhappy with yourself and your life (and with good reason!)... that hurts my fucking feelings. Because how DARE someone like YOU criticise ME, when I'm on my way to happy. Don't try and drag me down, too.

When you can't take my constructive criticism of your life THAT YOU ASKED ME FOR MULTIPLE TIMES and instead turn it around on me to try to make me feel like shit... well, yeah. It hurts my feelings. You're not being fair and I will never give you solicited (or unsolicited) advice about your life ever again. So go away.

When you bold faced lie to me just because you have the careful veil of the internet and hundreds if not thousands of miles between... that hurts my fucking feelings. My instincts have almost never failed me. And they haven't ever failed me in more critical situations. Go lie to someone else.

When you make up and aggrandise situations or conversations to better fit your own little mold so you can sit atop your "I did it right!" pedestal... that hurts my fucking feelings. You're a fucking tabloid reporter as far as I'm concerned.

When you can't respond to my invitations to things and never ever show up to anything... that hurts my fucking feelings. Eventually, I'm just going to stop inviting you to shit. And eventually, I'm just going to quietly remove you from things and go my way.

When you argue a side just to argue it and to try and make me look like a fool publicly (and we both know that is precisely what you are doing)... that hurts my fucking feelings. You're about to lose a friend.

When you judge people... even if it's not me... that really, really hurts my fucking feelings. When I see you judge someone else, you know what I automatically think? 'I wonder what all they could find to judge about me, then...' Fuck you. Keep your eyes on your own paper until someone ASKS YOU FOR HELP.
And so we're clear on this as defined in my head... telling you when I think you do something that is fucked up is not unsolicited advice. When you do or say something publicly that I have a perspective on, I have every right- as protected by the first amendment of the US constitution- to tell you what I think. The difference is that I'm not judging you. I'm saying hey. This stinks from my perspective. Just think about it for a minute. It isn't superficial. It isn't bullshit. It's because you did somethin' fuckin' shady, ok? And I obviously think that's out of character or I'd just scoff and move along cause you wouldn't be worth my time. (Yeah some of that might be about you.)
I'm very self aware, but there are times I really need things pointed out to me. And that's just how it is.

TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY LOYALTY AND MY FANTASTIC FRIENDSHIP HURTS MY FUCKING FEELINGS.
So we can either fix things or you can just go right on ahead and fuck off. Really. I do not need you or your wonky brand of friendship.

You're not living in my head rent free anymore. So if you suddenly find yourself knocked off my friends lists... please don't wonder why. It's because you haven't lifted a finger in over three months for our relationship and/or because you've seemingly actively tried to harm it.

----------------------------------------
I know some of you have this same method. I know some of you quit people cold turkey. And I don't see anything wrong with it. If you aren't connecting with someone or feel strongly that they aren't connecting with you, why beat around the bush?

I would rather have five amazing, loyal, tried and true friends than 50 who are fair weather.

And as I've explained... sometimes it's not worth the conflict.
I learned that in one particular instance, I should have just moved the fuck on. I never should have sent an email asking to be removed. I should have just fucking walked and never looked back. They ASKED ME WHY and then they didn't like the answer and turned that into an excuse to begin the lynching and hazing and other ~secret society bullshit.
I love how someone asks for information and then when they don't like the answer they use it as an excuse to turn into a fucking twelve year old and jr. high it up, ya know.

Yeah.

If you think this post whiny and I'm whiny and I'm obnoxious and you're tired of hearing about it... please, RIGHT NOW, go remove me from your friends list. You're not my kinda friend. You're not my kinda person. You need to learn some sympathy if not empathy.
Unless you're just in a bad mood and don't want to read anyone's negative shit. Haha. That I can understand.
Otherwise, I'm tired of you. I'm tired of thinking I have a friend, a confidant in you if I don't. It's stressful. Go find people you CAN be friends with.
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I don't know if any of you read hyperboleandahalf on blogspot, but it's brilliant and hilarious. And also poignant. And sometimes it resonates. It also comes with little pictures that would be wrong to show you because I'm too lazy to do anything but hot link. But! A particular instance:

"One time I went on a road trip with my college roommate, Julie. I really liked Julie and I desperately wanted her to like me back, but she was quite judgmental and there is a lot about me to judge, so our time together was usually just a series of tense moments in which I tried my hardest to escape judgment long enough to win Julie's approval."

It's good to know I'm not the only person who has suffered from that particular illness. May I never do it again, please.
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